Hey Sai friends , love to you all . What I am writing is totally baba’s wish because I have this past conditioning that ghosts are bad and they mean harm. While many of them are not even ghosts or shall I say .. sometimes what you feel scary is not bad for you. what a dialogue na!😁
The last night
I don’t know what time was it but when I was in deep sleep , I had a dream which felt too real . I saw myself in the same position as I was sleeping on the bed ..and some stranger (whom I couldn’t see but feel) held my right feet by my toes only and kept holding.. I felt scared in the dream ..not able to move but continuously chanting …” Om sairam Om sairam Om sairam” .. while one strange thing happened , I saw myself laughing loudly like an evil at the same time.
One ofcourse gets scared with such incidents . I woke up scared and felt like saying “Baba when you are here then why such things happen?”
The everyday fear
Nowadays , I feel fearful while going to my class as there will be teachers who will say that I have not read enough and I don’t even answer basic questions . And then they suddenly announce their judgements or show their doubts and tell me that they doubt how will I pass my exams!
If you know my past , you might know that I had been good in studies till 12th standard , later I faced failure in PMT but managed to get into MBBS . Baba Sai taught me alot during these phases of failures . Though I felt I lost myself as I have considered my identity to be a smart intelligent girl , so I was devastated to see the new version of me ..who could fail! My mind questioned “Who is this ? This is not me. “
I learnt alot but till now I have been running away from this aspect of me considering it alot to take in and overwhelming . I know now I am much more than this high scorer girl ..still there is alot to actually realise and imbibe inside. Baba Sai have worked so hard on this devastated messed up being called sangeeta to make her reach here today and he is always doing it non stop.
Guess this image of being a good sincere girl has been too much attached to me that when it gets lost I feel I am lost.
But .. yess you guessed it right ..there is a but in the story if its ending on a negative .. picture abhi baki hai mere dost! 😇
So here the “but” is followed by
“always remember…“Sai hai na!“😍
Three days back baba out of love made me say
“Make me zero baba , I feel I am growing arrogant.”
See we speak alot to baba and then forget about it .. and we forget that he listens soo fast .. especially when its something you want to change about your deep conditionings. But you have got nothing to do with it .. because when its time , these words will definitely and automatically come out of your mouth.😄
Last night I sent a message to all my Sai friends and relatives …. ” May your deepest desires be fulfilled”. While everyone enjoys such prayers and says thank you or bless you too .. but my sister in law messaged ” I don’t have any desire”.She is going through a phase that she has lost all her desires. While one part of me wants to fill her with love and charm , the other part says it is not in my control.
I read her message and my general tendency is to reply ” It will be alright dear” , considering the present condition of her to be sad. But some lesson that got reinforced the same day made me stop and give space to her emotions. When I stopped , Sai said..
“This is Annihilation. A beautiful but sad stage to be in”.
He told me, I need not reply back to make her feel good , as there is nothing wrong in not having desires.
I know English but I was not sure that this word’s meaning is actually what I remember. I searched on google and found out annhilation is exactly what I understood .. “destruction”.
And I suddenly recalled a sentence from some spiritual video ” Annihilation is a stage of spiritual awakening. As you have to create space for something new .. you have to let the destruction be done to the old.”
So , was happening in my sister in law’s life as baba indicated. And in my life maybe .. destroying my image of being good,a total people pleasing version of me , baba was creating space for someone actually empowered and established in her power. But it seems too hard when you are amidst that annihilation.And its ok if it seems too difficult to believe in him at that moment …as he always believes in you.
Emotions also need space
Space to emotions means “you need not run away from what you feel” to jump suddenly to feel good.
In the context of feeling and thinking good and positive , we have gone to extremes . And the same thing I was doing . I feel I have been running away from my emotions in the name of positivity.
My childhood best friend ,that I am still in contact with, told me 2 days back in general chat that she is not feeling good and she will not be able to take a meditation class that I recommended her. The positive enthusiastic inside me asked me to make her feel good instantly. I asked her the probelm , she told me her emotions related to a situation and said she needed to feel her emotions fully then only she will be able to receive what I was saying . She needed space to let her emotions be felt. I have read about “allowing space to emotions” thing and I have been practicing it with me. Now was the time to practice it with others. So , I said “its ok dear.”And I left her in her space.
While it may seem like being selfish .. to let people cry on their own,to let them feel bad if they want to , but its not always.
Its so perfectly establishing the fact of spirituality that what we do to ourselves , we do to others also.. Be it love or hatred or allowing emotions to be felt.
You don’t have to run away from feeling bad or sad. You take your time .. feel those emotions and when time is right , come out of them slowly. You can cry a million times if you want to do this before you feel good.
You can hold on to your anger , your hatred or your guilt if that is what makes you survive in a given situation. If you are not ready , its not the time to let go.
Change the way you feel only when you feel like changing and for yourself ..just yourself.
A morning of annihialtion
I was not allowing space to my emotions so I was feeling distracted from my routine of healing and studying . I was not able to be attentive from last week. While I was trying , but something felt off. I was happy inside still not able to continue my studies. Maybe because , I was not processing what was inside me stored from daily encounters. It felt like holding your stool and not finding time to go to toilet and pass it out and be done with.
So,today I woke up to a morning of annihilation. Baba made me sit in meditation in front of him. And I felt every emotion that I have been running from (that I feel during my classes and in front of my professors when they tell me I am not good enough) I imagined the same situations and repeated all their dialogues and felt them deeply . I let myself feel sad and bad and low. Though it felt bad really bad , but someone inside me kept me going. I felt numb in my body but my emotions were very much heightened and it felt really sad to listen to all those negative thoughts and comments from past. But, still I did allow myself to listen to them and feel whatever I felt like.
Till now , I have done healings to protect me from them.. I have given myself Reiki to change my thoughts about them. I have tried alot to see good in them. Even trying to see Sai in them. But today , baba made me say ” I accept them as they are.. whether they are the rudest or cruel most people .. I accept them as they are .”
I feel synchronicity in this practice too.. that I have been accepting the shameful most .. cruel most .. lowest most aspect of me in my self-chats from last 3 weeks. As I practiced accepting myself as I am .. I could dare to accept others as they are.
I did not know , being zero felt so bad. Being empty felt so sad .
Nothing much happened today in class and no one said anything rude to me , though I was prepared for the worst today.
I came back from hospital and slept . The heavy feeling was still on. Though I wanted to run away this time also but I let myself not do it. I took a break from study as I was not able to concentrate. I felt I need to give space and time to my emotions too .
Talking about not running away from feeling bad ,Baba made me not to run away from my cold and cough that have been troubling me from almost one week . Its baba’s given courage that I did not take a single medicine preparation first time maybe in my life. I allowed my body to feel the discomfort and let her heal herself.
Things happen at the both levels .. not running away from physical illness made me dare to not run away from emotions.
I shared my feelings to my healer friends and they gave me support. I took a bath , went to light a diya and sat in front of baba eventually without a plan to do this. I looked at him and constantly looked at him and asked him ” If you are here , how come negative souls can come and grab me in middle of the night.”
I was not sure baba will answer this amazingly .. only after I accept it completely.
Baba made me relate two questions at once. He made me relate the negative soul of last night with the negative soul in my life ( my professors) .
I told him ” If you want me to be scared like this .. let it be baba. I don’t know surrender , but still I accept what I can. And I accept this scared state of me .. I accept the insults from my teachers. I accept the shadow parts of me that I keep running away from. I will accept what you want me to. And now I won’t even ask for peace from you if you want me to live in sad emotion . Let it be…”
And my blabber was on when he suddenly said in my mind…
” Why do you feel souls you don’t know or understand are negative.. always. Sometimes whom we see as negative souls are our greatest ally. While you feel on the physical plane they are giving you pain .. at a deeper level they are actually taking away your pain.”
“I know baba , but its hard to accept this truth in midst of those moments.How to do that?”
“Just love me and you will accept.”
And he continued .. ” Now the question of letting evil soul get to you .. do you even know what that soul was sent for ? Did you feel some improvement in your cough and cold after waking up this morning?”
” Ohh my lord .. did that soul take my cough coryza away?”
And in an instant I lost all my sadness ..my anger .. my doubts and much more that I was not even aware of. And he said..
” What seems to be evil is not evil .. you only repeat this na that I send only those to your life who are necessary for you. If only you accept them as they are , you will be able to see beyond the surface.”
You can enjoy The darkness
A few days back , I saw myself standing on a peak of a small hill..there was Baba Sai besides me and I seemed perfectly ok and enjoying the darkness.
Baba has an amazing way to teach me in two dimensions .. I think these are the two worlds people talk about .. one physical and one spiritual. I demanded to be fearless in darkness as I have a fear of dark since childhood.
Darkness here could mean literal darkness and darkness in our lives . I know he is teaching me in both the worlds.
So, its alright darling , you can enjoy darkness too if you have the right company.. you can see it romantically or spiritually. You can laugh and play with Baba Sai , as you need to see him from your inner eyes.
That is all for today.. I hope my talks made sense 🙂 as I myself am amazed at the synchronicities and the teaching method of Baba Sai to connect everything spiritual to my physical life. He is amazing .You can read scriptures and gain knowlegde but what a guru does is beyond this knowledge.
Leaving you with his witty words….
I know there is darkness everywhere , but you have two choices .. to keep screaming and crying trying to search for a light outside or just sit in this darkness and close your eyes and find the light within.. for I am your light and situations like these come to show you that I am alive .. ever alive within you.Don’t waste your efforts cursing the darkness .. you can let go of the need to understand everything at this moment only. Just know ..this darkness is me .. the light is me .. your cry is me .. your stillness is me.
Om Sairam 😇