Hey friends , I pray for your well being and growth. Talking about growth , change is not cherries and cakes. Well , I have been going through a change and finally I got the closure.
The past conditioning
Though , I felt bad while cutting off from people but sometimes I did it for my own peace. I have cut off from my friends who felt like I am someone to blame for all their unhappiness. A few more friends just drifted away as we grew apart. And as life happens , you come to know that..
Not everyone is going where you wanna go and it is ok to let them go their way!
While analysing myself I noticed some thought patterns:
- Its bad to feel at peace if I am cutting off.
- I felt scared to express myself in front of people as I knew they will reject the true me . They will see flaws of mine and will not be with me .
- How they feel about me is directly related to my happiness or sadness
- If I made a bond with someone , its bad to let go their hand .
- If I have to keep away from them , I have to have some hatred for them to make it easy for me.
- To break old patterns means to change the ending of past experiences.. always.
- I have to be present for others in an unhealthy way that I suffer to fulfill their expectations of me and this is spiritual growth.
- I will hurt that person by letting him/her go.
So, all these thoughts needed to be cleansed off with the light of truth.
You can change your mind and contradict what you said in past . And its ok to do that!
I have had a breakthrough expereince with one of a recent friend .. and I felt I will support her for a long time that I myself did not want to follow later on . What I realised is .. change is necessary and we can change anytime . If we started off good and with time we found out that certain traits of a person are not good for our growth , we can break our promises of staying with them or giving them our support. All the promises , all the words have a meaning in certain situation . If you feel everything is changed then holding onto a broken tree in the storm is stupidity nothing else. So,its ok to break promises and contradict your words..🙂 But also take a lesson to never make such a promise without whole depth of knowledge about your relation with the person .
We all change for love but if it starts to break you ,its time to stop!
For understanding the truth behind this concept , you have to have a greater clarity of your own priorities and needs.
If you feel great to acknowledge what your partner or friend wants from you .. if you can give your affection and at the same time feel loved back .. it can go on.
Note : Here love doesn’t always mean stuffing a person with gifts or holding them close .
True Love is a perfect balance of holding close and letting enough space to breath.We are humans , we all need space. If I tell you from now onwards , you will do what I say to make me happy and I call it love , then you can imagine how smothered you will feel . But , are we not expecting this kind of acceptance of our expectations from our loved ones?
Give as much as you can because it makes you feel good, not to satisfy others’ expectations of you!
It simply means stop giving soo much that you bend backwards to do that and break yourself in the process. We generally want other people to stay happy with us , especially people pleasers and empath people .But , it doesn’t mean we have to loose our own identity and what is important for us. The day you feel you are giving too much that you feel strained ,stop and simply say “no” even if you have always said “yes” . As you too are a human and have your limits.
With time , you realise who are draining your energy that makes you dull and fearful of being around them . They maybe a good person but still they can be not good for you. So , just confront and say ‘no’ as you can’t give continuously from a space of stress . You can’t keep fighting a war with your tired self .
You have to give respect to yourself and say ” I don’t deserve this suffering , I don’t deserve this strain , So I am letting go who is not good for me.”
Suffering is necessary until you realise its not necessary -Eckhart tolle
Remember you maybe in love with them , or maybe they also loved you or it seemed that way .. still its not necessary that they be good for you.As we pretend to know love very well , actually we just express affection as love . Its possible that you are not in love , you are in a bondage that seemed love .
Nothing is lost , hatred is not necessary
When we loose someone we feel like we have lost the meaning attached to all the good memories with them .Maybe you shared good moments together but it doesn’t mean everything has to become nil. You can still keep those memories and learn the lesson they brought to you. You maybe hated some traits but some traits of them made you happy . So , just appreciate them for both and let go.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO HATE THAT PERSON TO LET GO😇
You don’t always have to change the ending to grow
I thought “to break the patterns” meant to change a particular situation in future.
For eg. I cut off from a friend of mine whose traits made me loose my peace of mind , in 2011. I used to think that if I have grown spiritually ,it means I don’t have to bluntly cut someone off in future to come out of this pattern.
I took my pattern as a mistake, so I thought this time I have to carry on this relation as we would have a happy ending and we will never cut off. I was focussing on the wrong part.
But, truth was, not always the patterns are bad and not always you have to change the endings. Sometimes ending will be the same .. but you will not have to repeat the thought patterns that you had earlier. So, just letting go of guilt and the thought that self love is ego , was enough and needed.
Self love is “choosing yourself when its hard to!”
You choose yourself still your mind keeps asking you to choose others over you because the only meaning of love it has learnt is denying yourself and placing others over you even when its not good for your growth.
How to recognise who is not good for you ? Answer these questions .
Are you too dependent on them or vice versa are they too dependent on you?
Are you avoiding being you in front of them for them to not criticise or find faults in you?
Are you finding yourself having hatred and anger inside, without any reason, when they are with you?
You have tried everything to make it work but you feel both of you are not on the same level ?
If the answer is yes , its time to discuss these things and take an action to either improve your relation or just let go.
Be who you are!
One of the most painful thing for me was , I felt judged and blamed for almost everything when with that friend. I tried to see it as a positive thing . I tried to take it lightly . But its not good for you if someone always finds faults in you and on the other hand declares to be loving you deeply. If you love someone you never make them feel uneasy around you.. even when its not necessary for you to judge them or your opinion is not asked for.
She had a habit to always give her opinions even when not asked for. I am singing and if I sang the wrong lyrics , she would either laugh or will correct me like I am a child. Its not that I am preparing for singing on stage or I am performing somewhere.. that her correction is necessary . And if I did not welcome this criticism she will blame me of hurting her because I tried to set boundaries .
Some people think so small of themselves , they are so insecure.. that demeaning or belittling others is the only option to make them feel great ..as the real comparision keeps going on in their minds..all the time.
I changed myself limitlessly , I stopped singing , I stopped dancing , I stopped sitting in balcony or laughing out loud or talking as I did not want to suffer the hurt of being judged .
Your breaking point is reached and it will be too late if you delay
Its when I noticed I felt same sadness and fear when coming at home from hospital .. like what I used to feel while going hospital from home in a tough phase of my residency , was when I realised its time to choose myself before its too late.
I tried talking to her many times , but everything just repeated itself , the loving .. the smothering then my confronting .. then her judging .. then blaming me for her unhappiness and then again gaslighting that she did not want to hurt me and again the loving part.
I was tired of the patterns and no one of us could do anything to change it. So , I left talking to her , I asked my friend and others to help me . As I was finding fault in me that maybe I am not loving enough.
By cutting off you are helping them not hurting them
I had this fear in my mind that I might hurt a person by saying that they are not good for my health so I want to let this relation go. I confronted to her in my desperation to feel alive again but I could not make her understand.
I respect her decisions and efforts but it was time to decide for myself.
Baba sai has made me clear by my past experiences that letting go is not a bad thing . You are helping that person to grow also though it might not be taken in the same light by them.Even if they blame you of cheating or leaving them , you have to hold the belief that its for good of both.
In fact ,if nothing else , you are teaching them to set their own boundaries. You are teaching them to choose themselves when they find confronted with the similar situation.
So , its a win win . No regrets .No guilt.
Its not bad to feel peace after letting go and its not necessary to always feel good after letting go
Allow space for your emotions , don’t ask yourself to feel more sad as you lost someone . And its ok to feel sad too. Just allow your emotions to pass .. not exaggerating them with your victim like thoughts or guilt thoughts. Also , don’t hurry to jump over on the boat of happiness, if you are really not feeling it. Its ok , time will heal the wound. But hey , who said wounds are bad. They are necessary for your growth. 😇
And it might happen that you miss them or they tell you they miss you.. but remember this quote from the movie “Eat , Pray and Love”:
“If you miss me.. miss me , send love and light and then drop it. “
You don’t need to call them back because you miss them or they miss you. Just feel the emotion and send some love and light and move on.😊
I pray to Baba Sai to cut our karmic cords.I pray for myself to heal more and more. I thank all the persons who have been a great lesson for me for in the spiritual world they made a pact with my soul . So , they are just playing their part. I wish them growth and love. 😀
I thank all the souls who made me see the meaning of #self love.. I am immensely grateful .😇
I am thankful to Baba Sai to make it easy.
P.S. I saw lit lamps in my night sleep . I got indications of self love today many times. I believe my decision has opened the gates of new beginnings in our lives.
Ya sai 😊😇
2 thoughts on “SELF LOVE with Baba Sai”
Good analysis and understanding Sai, Baba bless
May Baba be with you and guide you always. Om Sai Ram. 🙏