Dear readers , I pray for your well being wherever you are.. be blessed always .😇
A huge realisation :
I was always drifted towards psychology but never read anything in details . One of my friends made me go through some articles about narcissism and hell no .. I suddenly found out each answer to my questions of past .. Ohh God it was so liberating . 🥲
It did not happen earlier maybe baba did feel I was not ready to accept this truth of mine.
When I was a kid I could feel sad if not paid attention to .
After each temper tantrum episode I felt that something is wrong with others , that they don’t care for me.. though with time I developed tactics to attract people towards me , I was myself oblivious of these ulterior motives of my mind. I felt I was an innocent person when being confronted to.
I can now see why I did day dreaming where I was the centre of attention . I studied in school that time and was good in studies but I feared that someone more intelligent and smarter will come and then all this attention would go away. Its normal to feel like this sometimes but I had this feeling constantly haunting me . So, now when people say we were so happy in childhood , I don’t agree . I could still feel that constant fear and insecurity inside me.
I used to create situations of sympathy. I used to hate sports so I would just lie about my health and skip it as I knew “I would not win there” . I couldn’t see someone else win when I participated.
I could see how I was repeatedly doing things so that I got a constant praise and awards of being in limelight. How a slight ignorance would kill me.
I used to hate when someone else was praised.. even in my siblings , I was the favourite of parents. Before a certain age , I used to complaint and expose my siblings mistakes so that I be awarded and they be punished.
I was a talkative girl , that will attract people with her talks and knowledge and then with a slight deviation of their attention , I would feel angry and will show extreme anger. And when I felt someone else is permanently taking away their attention , I would reject them asap … cut off ties from them before they can reject me.
I had secret crush and never tell them about that . I did not really love anyone but felt I was on top when someone gave me slightest of attention .
As I grew , I had to change school that was very much devastating for me as my mind knew I had to build relations and prove myself again in front of new people. I remember I would not take part in something that seemed too tough.
As , I crossed 20 I questioned myself why I fear people’s opinion of me so much. Why I lied about things that make my image look good . Why I felt so good with people who gave just a short span attention to me . I thought I had crush while reality was something different.
I felt I was someone very special
I felt bad if people drifted from me without my permission.. while I could reject them. I remember there was a friend who gave me attention and she became my best friend but as soon as I found out she chose someone else over me in a project partnership , I rejected her. Though I was worried to look good in front of them so I would continue to care for them till they are with me and then I would cut off as I did not need them any longer, from distance they could not make me feel superior. Now I can see the cause behind this behaviour that I could feel I became so rude at times .But it was not possible to decode it earlier.
I never cared for what they want in a relationship . I cared for me and only me.
So, I could now see this pattern in my relationship with my brother.As he got married , bhabhi took away all his attention and I felt like dying so I demeaned her in certain ways . When nothing worked I cut off from them .
If someone would say “I am wrong ” , either I would feel my tears coming out or I shall cut them off completely or maybe lash out and tell them they are rude.
I was never able to laugh at myself . Though I condemned myself in front of people but to gain sympathy. I desired alot of sympathy.
I felt , I am different . Though everyone is different in a way.. but this trait of mine I can feel still inside me.. making me feel good even in tough times and situations.
I thought everyone is wrong except me
When people kept their boundaries and treated me less specially , I would feel bad and my world will crumble down.I used to cry like crazy and will find myself suffocated.
Ohh my, I suffered so many years but had no knowledge to seek help .
I found myself keeping this thought in my mind while helping others that I am special so I have to take care of them as I am braver .. I am stronger than them.
I did not see them in light of equality and my intelligence also promoted this sense.
I could not fix my attention on one hobby
I could see myself day dreaming that I am singing on a stage and hundreds of people are praising and clapping for me .
But now I know why I could not pursue these hobbies of writing , singing or guitar playing as my narcissist personality was demanding me to learn these asap and get gratification . Which in reality takes time . So , after a few days I would loose interest and find excuses that I don’t have time , I have to study or do work.
Now this is happening with studies also . I study to show someone that I am studying. Otherwise I can live like that if I get no praise after studying a topic .
Trust me when I say , I am completely boggled to know this . Maybe I am exaggerating this due to bias .. but its obvious my certain traits are explained through this which seemed odd to me earlier.
I can see now why I had episodes where I found myself trapped in seeing future and past . As this personality did not spare my spirituality also. I now found out why so many people felt scared of me sometimes and left me. I found why I cut off from some people in each phase of my life.
So, I was a narcissist and I am still having such traits in me.
Inner child healing
My mind repressed my childhood trauma and cultivated a false self image of myself that said ” you are different and special.”
I read how narcissists had gone through some deep psychological trauma in childhood that made them this.
My life was always touching two extremes .. one was depressive and another extreme being euphoric . Either I was happy , alot happy and in love .. Or I would be so depressed that my thoughts will be that no one loves me.
Now , I know why my self attempts of suicide were just warnings as I wanted to have sympathy but not to harm myself much.
I knew this would make people drift and give love because beneath the surface I loved me not at all.
I also have a tendency to gift more to maybe catch people’s attention.
Baba Sai healed me
I can now see objectively from a third person view that my emotions and my roller coaster of feeling extremely happy and extremely sad was my trait. Though a part of me feels sad that I was a narcissist and maybe still am . But I can see this trait and thoughts to be a part of me not the whole me. My world needs not to collapse down after this knowledge.
Baba had healed me so beautifully. He aligned my intention of doing good from a desire to gain attention to doing good because he said that to me and because someone else did that for me. I gift people now also but baba converted my deep intentions . Still I find myself expecting respect and praise in return but this has got to somewhat lesser intensity and frequency. Baba made me ignore such thoughts of demanding attention in return.
He made me forgive others and respect their view points so in a way He healed my controlling possessive behaviour. I did not understand the ‘ space’ concept as I thought I wanted a suffocating love .. but it was my illness not my strength.. He let me know that timely to change this ..while I could feel something was wrong with me on the surface.. he knew everything.
He made me forgive people for not taking care of me when I needed them .. So, He is healing the part who seeks extreme attention and their concerns be revolving around me.
He made me stop sharing every action of mine to gain validification from others as my low self esteem made me do this earlier a lot.
I felt sad in PG as I did not get much attention or praise here .. but now he let me know “I need not get that always and its ok if I love myself as I am.” Now I know the reason of coming here . Post graduation did not truamatise me but healed me ..and my behaviour patterns ..my out of the world expectations.
Its written that a very low self esteem of a narcissist makes them such attention demanding people.
And now I came to know that all the people who were making me feel like wounded ,healed a part of me . Wow its so beautiful to know. Maybe they were not aware of this still their actions healed me. As my best friend and later my boyfriend rejected me , I found out my thoughts of grandeur were not true that I am special in their lives. Maybe for sometime but this is not permanent.
Likewise ,each person healed a part of me . I am still holding many narcissistic patterns but much kinder to myself and others now.
I take responsibility of my actions and try to understand the situation before reacting . I hope I can heal my inner child completely with baba Sai and reiki.😇
Its not a disease that can not be cured . Just a request to reflect on yourself and your lives .. do you have someone in your life who is a narcissist or do you yourself are? If you are loosing your peace beacuse of someone and realised that he/she is a narcissistic person ,if they have insight try to help them . If they are not ready then better to cut off from them . They suffered trauma does not make you resposible to suffer trauma because of them..also by cutting off from them you are making them see that their delusions are just delusions, in a way healing them. This is love not inhumanity.
Choose yourself .Choose love.
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